What I Have Learned in 40 Years of Marriage

Today my wife and I have been married for 40 years!  That seems like a long time, yet it also seems that it was just last week we said, “I do”. 

Coming up to this milestone I’ve been thinking about those years, filled with so many experiences, people and places, and what I’ve learned in that time.  What I’ve learned about marriage? About my spouse? About myself? About life?

So, here’s a list of 40 thoughts that in some way partly encapsulate my learnings:

1. People are more important than projects.  The most important person in my life is my spouse. That hasn’t changed despite children, grandchildren, friends, etc.
2. It is not good for man (especially this man) to be alone.  I learned this one the hard way. No job is worth separation – even if the separation is planned or supposed to be temporary.
3. Family matters way more than career and other superfluous goals.
4. Ministry is much easier when one’s life partner also feels called.
5. Sometimes silence speaks more than words.  This can be true both positively and negatively.
6. That “do not let the sun go down on your anger” scripture? (Eph. 4:26) Good advice.
7. Being married to “the queen of small talk” is a gift when one is an introvert.
8. Teachers need about a two-week adjustment period when school is out for summer or starting back up in the fall.  Just stay out of the way, be helpful, and be understanding.
9. Some of the things that seemed important and worrisome, can age into funny memories.
10. As long as you share common core values, its ok to have other interests, habits and hobbies.
11. Be flexible.
12. Learning to say “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” early in a relationship will avoid a lot of grief along the way.
13. There is no greater sorrow than your child’s sorrow, no greater joy than your child’s joy.  Having a spouse with whom to share this is a blessing.
14. Change should be expected in any relationship, especially a long tenured marriage.
15. Being married to your best friend is always having someone in your corner.
16. Big decisions are best made after sleeping on it.
17. When you say “yes” to a job, you should give that job your best effort.  There’s no excuse for not working hard.
18. When you work at something you love, it hardly seems like work.  Marriage is work, but it needn’t be toilsome.
19. Marriage is like a book – lot’s of chapters, some more interesting than others, but each essential to the story.
20. Communication is to a marriage what water is to a fish.
21. It truly doesn’t help to worry about tomorrow, each day does have enough trouble of it’s own.  (Matthew 6:34)
22. If it makes your spouse feel better to watch the breaking weather report ad nauseum, put in your headphones or go to the other room.
23. If it makes your spouse feel better to read all the latest Boilermaker news – you’ve got a pretty great spouse!
24. When in public your teacher spouse is identified, stopped and talked to; just realize how many lives she’s helped shape and form and be thankful!
25. Tell your wife “I’ll be in the car” before you leave to go to the car.
26. Don’t wait until after you turn on the water to brush your teeth before you share something important.
27. Understand this: Cleaning is to Lori what lawn and garden work is to Dan – a happy place!
28. Moses had Aaron; Dan had Lori.  Neither one would’ve made it in ministry without their person.
29. A farmer once told me as we welcomed our first child: “Dan, with every child you’re going to drop another rung down the ladder.” Three kids and soon to be five grandkids later, I’m just thankful she keeps me on the ladder
30. Cereal can be good for supper, not just breakfast.
31. Life is better when you travel in pairs.  (Genesis 2:24; Genesis 7; Luke 10:1)
32. In hindsight, God’s got this!
33. Being married to someone who can close down any public building because there’s someone to talk to, you get used to it.  Builds patience.
34. Always make friends with the custodian.  These are important people who work hard and deserve respect. 
35. The sun will come out tomorrow.  Might be behind the clouds, or only seen in a “sun break”, but it’s out there somewhere.
36. The “love language” thing?  It’s valid. We don’t all give or receive love in the same way.  It’s worth learning your spouses love language.
37. In the end “it’s just money”.  Generosity wears better than an attitude of scarcity.
38. You can never imagine where and what a lifetime together will reveal, be thankful you get to explore it a day at a time.
39. On their 40^th Anniversary I asked my father-in-law when he and my mother-in-law had been most happy.  He said, in his dry wit, five minutes here, five minutes there.  But you know?  Those five minutes add up – be happy!
40. “For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” is a vow to be lived into and to stick with.  Easier said than done?  Not really.  Not when you love the one who’s meeting you part-way.

Happy Anniversary!